--> What's Wrong With Jeff ? ? ? ? ?

What's Wrong With Jeff ? ? ? ? ?

3-13-14

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Written by Jeff Thursday, 13 March 2014 00:55

There's a street I drive by all the time called Captains Way and every time I pass it, I feel the urge to pull over, knock on the door of every house on the street and say to the person who comes to the door, "Look at me. Look at me. I'm the Captain now!"
I feel this will work out fine since I'm fairly sure Tom Hanks can't afford to live near me


Throughout this winter, I think I've seen a total of 5 jackets that weren't North Face. And 2 of those jackets are mine. What's so great about North Face anyway? What's the north side of the face got? Foreheads and eyebrows? The north side of the face sucks! The south side is where it's at!
Enough is enough. The popularity of these jackets baffle me. Next thing you know, there will be a site where it's nothing but posts, comments and pictures of these jackets called NorthFacebook.com
.

 

3-12-14

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Written by Jeff Wednesday, 12 March 2014 01:48

If anyone out there is pregnant as all hell and deliberating over baby names, I've got them.
For a girl: Nicorette, Calamari or Pillowfarts.
For a boy, there is only one reasonable name option: Man.
Because then you can say things like, "My wife just gave birth to a Man!"
Or "Would you like to see the most adorable Man ever? He's in the crib sucking his pacifier."
Or "If you'll excuse me, it sounds like there's an eight pound crying Man who needs a diaper change."



I'm thinking of opening up a bakery. The food will suck but that won't matter because the names I'll give to the cakes, shakes and pies will make up for it. Examples:
Blueberry Bastards
Strawberry Squirts
Cherry Cheeks
Pineapple Prostitutes
Coconut Crapsticks
Banana Bitchslaps

 

3-7-14

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Written by Jeff Thursday, 06 March 2014 20:30

Whenever I'm at a restaurant and get served by a really good waitress, I call her a "greatress." They all seem to like this term. Of course, sometimes I get a really bad waitress and I'll call that bitch a "hatetress"



I wish I had a friend with the face of Rocky Dennis and the attitude of Veruca Salt. Boredom would not be an option when we hung out.



If anyone out there is pregnant as all hell and deliberating over baby names, I've got them.
For a girl: Nicorette, Calamari or Pillowfarts.
For a boy, there is only one reasonable name option: Man.
Because then you can say things like, "My wife just gave birth to a Man!"
Or "Would you like to see the most adorable Man ever? He's in the crib sucking his pacifier."
Or "If you'll excuse me, it sounds like there's an eight pound crying Man who needs a diaper change."

   

3-4-14

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Written by Jeff Monday, 03 March 2014 23:55

Once again, just saw a bunch of wild turkeys in my yard strutting around like Prince and the Revolution at a concert in 1985. So I decided to step outside my door and tell them what I thought of them. The following is a direct quote: "You bastards! YOU bastards! I've drank bottles of you wild pricks in my lifetime! Get moving!"
Unfortunately, my neighbors happened to be walking to their car and caught this entire tirade. Needless to say, they looked puzzled and petrified. This incident ranks right up there with the time I was at work, thought I was alone, and the cleaning lady caught me shouting out sound effects from the Street Fighter video game. RYYYYYYYYUUUUUU-Kick!!!



My friend brought over her 3 year old daughter. How the little girl knew I was the perfect person to have this conversation with is beyond me but here's how it went down:

3 year old: "When I do poopies in the toilet, I get candy!"

Me: "That is tremendous!"

3 year old: "Yeah. Do you get candy after you do poopies in the toilet?"

Me: "Every time."

3 year old: "Do you do poopies all by yourself?"

Me: "Of course. I'm a professional."

3 year old: "Do you wanna play Leggos?"

It was one of the best conversations I've had in weeks. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I've earned myself a fun size Snickers.

 

3-3-14

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Written by Jeff Sunday, 02 March 2014 23:07

I'm so sick of nailing cavernous potholes with my car that I've decided to do something about it. No, not go rogue and fix them. I'm going to rename them.
Henceforth, I will call them "assholes." Because that's what they are.
True, they bear little resemblance to the real definition of the word. Except for the fact that I exclaim "Shit!" every time I hit one. But at least calling them this will make me feel better and it's way funnier.
Especially when this allows me to say things like, "Dude, I just hit a gigantic asshole with my car!"
Or, "When is someone gonna fix all these assholes? They're everywhere!"
Or, "I swear there are more assholes on Route 79 than anywhere in the world!"



As bizarre as my posts are, they don't come close to the weirdness of my dreams
Last night I dreamed I was riding on the back of a motorcycle that was being driven by another me. This other me was driving like shit so I demanded that I should drive. The other me replied, "But you're me too so you will drive just as poorly as I do." This made sense so me and I decided to ditch the bike and walk.
Soon after, the other me announced he was going to the North Dartmouth Mall and ran into the woods, never to be seen again.
Which is when I got a text from a friend who reported she was making flapjacks so I headed to her house.
When I arrived, this friend told me she had trained her dogs to pee in the toilet and read all 7 of the Harry Potter books.
While this was impressive, I lost my appetite because for some reason, her toilet was located next to the stove. So I left.
Only to find that in her yard was the entire cast of "Sanford & Son." Needless to say, I was delighted! We chatted for a bit, then watched a cop pull over a teenage boy and girl right in front of the driveway. It seems the boy had barfed in the girl's face and this was deemed illegal...for both of them as they both received tickets.
Then I woke up with the "Sanford & Son" theme song in my head. It was awesome!

   

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