5-16-13

Written by Jeff Wednesday, 15 May 2013 19:52

I feel we should be referring to maids and housekeepers as househookers. Because what do they do? They service your house in exchange for money. Same thing for the ladies who service your room while you're on vacation, those are hotelhookers or hotelwhores, if you will. No reason to feel bad about this. We're all prostitutes. We all provide a service of some sort in exchange for payment. It's just that hotelhookers get downright nasty in order to get a paycheck. They'll pick up your dirty clothes, wash your disgusting floors and clean the toilet even if you just got done spraying it with a fresh coat of diarrhea. I understand real whores will suck your dick for a fee, but is that any more intimate than a househooker cleaning something you take a dump in every day? I think not.

Here's what I do when I'm bored: If I see a cop car sitting in a parking lot trying to catch speeders, sometimes I decide to help him or her out a little bit. A little something to make their job easier on that day. What I'll do is, pull into the parking lot, park right beside them, get out of my car and say to the officer, "Look, I gotta come clean. I was driving like a lunatic a few miles back. I know you didn't see it but trust me, I was speeding and driving recklessly. I feel bad about it and I have an extremely guilty conscience. So I am admitting to you that I disobeyed the speed limit and would be relieved if you could give me a ticket to teach me a lesson."
No matter what happens after this, the cop will be talking about this story until he's retired. Nobody ever pulls themselves over! Just be sure you're sober when you do this or else the cop will realize why you're doing this and it's integral that there is no logical explanation for why someone would pull themselves over for speeding. And hey, if he does give you a ticket, be sure to fight it in court. Because you can honestly say to the judge that the cop never even saw you speeding, which is true. And not one judge or jury in America is going to believe someone intentionally asked for a speeding ticket after the fact.

5-15-13

Written by Jeff Wednesday, 15 May 2013 03:51

I heard a Dunkin' Donuts commercial on the radio yesterday in which they were promoting their new chicken salad wrap. Sure, I could complain that Dunkin' Donuts has way too many menu items these days and this no doubt is a factor when I'm waiting in line for ten minutes just to get a black coffee. But I've accepted that the new menu items won't be ending any time soon. However, here is what I will not accept: In the commercial I heard, the Dunkin' Donuts pitchman states that "it doesn't get any better" than eating one of their chicken salad wraps. Really? It doesn't? Eating a chicken salad wrap is the best this life has to offer? I really hope that statement is bullshit because if it's not, we're all in real trouble. So if it truly doesn't get any better than eating a chicken salad wrap, can you imagine all the suicides their sandwich is going to cause? People are gonna go into deep, inescapable depressions after eating this chicken salad wrap. They'll realize that life is all downhill from here. If eating that wrap was the pinnacle of their existence and it won't get any better, why bother living out the rest of their lives? Sure, maybe they'll try to fill that emptiness in knowing the best part of their life is over by eating more chicken salad wraps but it won't be the same. It will be like those heroin addicts who keep chasing the feeling they had the first time they shot up but no matter how many more times they indulge, it's never as good as the first time. The same applies to the new Dunkin' Donuts chicken salad wrap.
While these new chicken salad wraps might be great for prisoners on death row deliberating on what they'll choose for their last meal, it sucks for the rest of us. Which is why I'm never going to eat one of these wraps. I don't want to live the rest of my life knowing the best part already happened. And I won't. Dunkin' Donuts has already taken thousands of dollars from me over the years in exchange for coffees, I won't let them take my hopes, dreams and future expectations for life too.

5-14-13

Written by Jeff Tuesday, 14 May 2013 03:24

I can't decide if someone named Count Crackula would be a person who was so addicted to crack that they looked like a pale, undead creep OR if the name should be bestowed upon a vampire who will only drink blood via biting a victim's buttcheeks. I'm leaning towards the latter.

You don't see many cars driving up hiking trails. Bikes, sometimes, but mostly it's just people walking up these trails. Agreed? Yes, but then how is it that someone decided that people who walk down highways and rural streets looking for rides are known as hitchhikers? I get the hitching part but where is this hiking bullshit coming from? Shouldn't it be called hitchwalking instead? It's not like these hitchhikers are climbing up mountains or six foot wide, sandy, rocky trails and saying to themselves, "Jesus, where are all the cars? I'm halfway up the mountain and I haven't seen one car yet!" Sure, the majority of hitchhikers are psychopaths but that doesn't mean they're stupid. The only idiots out there are the drivers who pick them up. I don't get why someone picks up a hitchhiker but maybe it's the term that fools them. Maybe they think, "Oh look at this poor bastard thumbing on the side of the road. He must be a hiker who took the wrong trail and ended up on the highway. I should give him a ride. And look he's even got a large knife and an axe sticking out of his backpack. Those must be his hiking tools. I'm so glad I can help out an outdoorsman who lost his way."

I wish supermarkets no longer had those gumball machines near the entrance. Why? Because I certainly can't be caught using them. I don't know about you, but it just seems wrong to use a gumball machine when you're over the age of 30. Or 20. Or 16. And there have been times where I'm walking out of the supermarket and I see those gumball machines I used to love as a child, and I suddenly get the hankering for one of those big, grape gumballs that lose all their flavor in less than ten seconds. But then I become very fearful that if I gave in to this urge, as soon as I retrieved the gumball from that filthy metal slot, an employee or fellow shopper would see me and say in disgust, "Really? What are you, five years old? A fucking gumball, really? Did you already put the cookies and diapers you bought for yourself in the car? You're a bearded man in your thirties, for Christ's sake! Grow up!" And of course, they would have every right to say this. Hell, I'd say the same thing if I saw some old dickhead bending down and putting a quarter in a machine in exchange for a ball of gum. I'd say, "Dude, are you kidding me? There were fifty different packs of gum in displays at the register that you could have respectfully bought but instead, you're using a goddamn gumball machine? Why don't you fish out another quarter from your sock and buy a super high bouncy ball from the other machine...and then shove it up your ass, you weirdo!"

5-13-13

Written by Jeff Sunday, 12 May 2013 22:45

I'm not sure my mom appreciated her Mother's Day gift of me repeatedly playing the part of the "Ice Ice Baby" cassingle where he says, "Word to your mother!" I, however, thought it was terrific! Hopefully, someday I can afford to buy her a 5.0 with the ragtop down so her hair can blow.

Maybe the problem this country has with obesity stems from the fact that we insist on eating terrible tasting food. Then we masque the taste of this food by slopping a shitload of other substances on it to make it taste better. If a hamburger tastes so good, why do we feel the need to load it up with at least three different condiments, bacon, cheese, mushrooms, onions and pickles? If a burger needs that much other food on it, why do we bother to eat the actual burger? Everybody loves chicken tenders and chicken nuggets, or do they? You remove dipping sauces from the equation and the stock of chicken nuggets would plummet. We're not even satisfied with ice cream anymore. These days we cover it with jimmies, hot fudge, nuts, M & M's, peanut butter cups and countless other toppings until I no longer know what the fuck flavor ice cream I'm eating anymore. It's getting beyond ridiculous. You need A-1 on a steak. You need cocktail sauce for shrimp. You need butter, sour cream and bacon bits for something so simple as a goddamn baked potato. Where does it end? It doesn't and it never will. Maybe we're all just terrible cooks and we use sauces and artificial flavorings to cover this up. Whatever the case, there is one thing that's certain. We're getting no sympathy from starving countries. Ethiopia would pretty much declare war on us if they found out we refuse to eat food unless it's garnished with all kinds of other foods and dipping sauces. "What?!?" they'd say, "You won't eat chicken without salt, ketchup and sweet & sour sauce? Bitch, I'd eat a raw chicken beak right now I'm so hungry. I'd eat the eggs straight out of a hen's asshole if I saw one of those feathered fuckers strutting around in Africa! Go fuck yourself, America, you fat bastards!"