--> What's Wrong With Jeff ? ? ? ? ?

What's Wrong With Jeff ? ? ? ? ?

12-17-14

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Written by Jeff Wednesday, 17 December 2014 00:29

Fact: All females like the song "Slide" by the Goo Goo Dolls. It's perplexing. I could understand if "Slide" was a gooey ballad but it's not. I just don't get it. I can't even decipher the words to that song. The only thing I recognize is the lyric "So why don't you slide." Isn't sliding a bad thing? Like in, I've been on a real slide lately. But the Goo Goo singer says it as if sliding is a good thing. You know what, fuck that song! I'll just never get it. Of course, I'll still tell girls I like the song to avoid a debate but between you and me, it sucks.


One job that has a lot of different personalities is a waiter/waitress. I've had some really good ones and some really bad ones. Yet the only ones I seem to remember are the weird ones. So for the next three posts, I will countdown the top three weirdest waiters/waitresses I've ever had.

3. The Suspicious, Well Spoken Bastard at McDonald's. 
I realize he might technically not be a waiter but I'm going to make a ruling on this and I say fast food employees count as waiters and waitresses. And let me tell you, it's been ten years since the following encounter took place and I'm still freaked out about it. 
So here's what happened: I order an apple pie at the drive-thru and instead of, "Ok" or "Please drive up," I hear the following reply: "Most excellent choice!" I knew right then and there that there was a high probability that the kid working the drive-thru stuck his dick in all the apple pies.
Proof? I don't need concrete evidence. "Most excellent choice" is all the proof I need. Why on earth would someone say something like that UNLESS they put their penis in the pie? They wouldn't. And it was more than just the phrasing he used, it was the WAY he said it. He said it as if he knew something I didn't. He said it in a smarmy, mocking manner. I guess you could say he was almost daring me to eat the apple pie.
I've thought about this many times and I've come to believe that this was a test of sorts. This McDonald's employee was giving me a clue that he placed his cock and balls in and around the apple pie. His thinking was that if this customer figures out by his saying "Most excellent choice" that he shouldn't eat the pie, good for him. But if he doesn't figure it out, then the customer is an idiot and deserves to eat a pie that has been tampered with via his dong. It seems I passed the test because I did not eat one bite of the apple pie. I didn't even look at it, I just threw that shit away. This was the actual most excellent choice and I've never regretted it. And really, it wasn't a hard riddle to decipher because we all know that there are no excellent choices on the menu at McDonald's.

 

12-13-14

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Written by Jeff Saturday, 13 December 2014 20:30

Once again, due to the season, I have the urge to strap a dead deer on the roof of my car and drive slowly through town with the windows open while blasting "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" from my stereo.

 

12-12-14

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Last Updated on Friday, 12 December 2014 03:15 Written by Jeff Friday, 12 December 2014 00:33

Sometimes I laugh out loud right in someone's face. This is especially disconcerting to strangers. But what they don't understand is that I'm not laughing at them, I'm laughing at something completely unrelated. My brain constantly tries to amuse me. It wants to make me laugh more than even I want to make others laugh. I'll give you a prime example:
Last week, I went to the deli counter at a supermarket to purchase two egg rolls and other assorted cured meats. The woman behind the counter goes to procure the egg rolls. However, the chicken egg rolls and the vegetable egg rolls are inexplicably mixed together in the same tray. Since there was no way to tell which had vegetable inside and which had chicken inside, this would present a problem for some. Not for me, though. I didn't give a shit. But this very indifference caused me to picture a hilarious exchange. This is how the dialogue between myself and the deli worker went in my head:

Deli employee: Oh great! The vegetable and chicken egg rolls are mixed together in the same tray! Which kind did you want?

Me: It doesn't matter. I'm just gonna shove them up my ass when I get home anyway.

Now this exchange didn't actually happen. But in my head it did. So when the deli worker asked me if it made a difference which egg rolls she chose, I looked her straight in the eye and laughed like a lunatic. The worst part being, I couldn't tell this poor woman why I was laughing so she probably thought I was laughing at her appearance. Or maybe she just deduced I was batshit crazy, which I am, but nonetheless it took me awhile to calm down and tell her any two egg rolls will do, holding out the joke of both of them possibly being in my asshole within the next 45 minutes. 
So please remember if I ever laugh at you, I'm probably not laughing at you, I'm laughing at me. And I've done this many, many times in my life, even during sex (and let me tell you, that didn't work out well but I think I'll spare you that story, at least for today).

   

3-13-14

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Written by Jeff Thursday, 13 March 2014 00:55

There's a street I drive by all the time called Captains Way and every time I pass it, I feel the urge to pull over, knock on the door of every house on the street and say to the person who comes to the door, "Look at me. Look at me. I'm the Captain now!"
I feel this will work out fine since I'm fairly sure Tom Hanks can't afford to live near me


Throughout this winter, I think I've seen a total of 5 jackets that weren't North Face. And 2 of those jackets are mine. What's so great about North Face anyway? What's the north side of the face got? Foreheads and eyebrows? The north side of the face sucks! The south side is where it's at!
Enough is enough. The popularity of these jackets baffle me. Next thing you know, there will be a site where it's nothing but posts, comments and pictures of these jackets called NorthFacebook.com
.

 

3-12-14

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Written by Jeff Wednesday, 12 March 2014 01:48

If anyone out there is pregnant as all hell and deliberating over baby names, I've got them.
For a girl: Nicorette, Calamari or Pillowfarts.
For a boy, there is only one reasonable name option: Man.
Because then you can say things like, "My wife just gave birth to a Man!"
Or "Would you like to see the most adorable Man ever? He's in the crib sucking his pacifier."
Or "If you'll excuse me, it sounds like there's an eight pound crying Man who needs a diaper change."



I'm thinking of opening up a bakery. The food will suck but that won't matter because the names I'll give to the cakes, shakes and pies will make up for it. Examples:
Blueberry Bastards
Strawberry Squirts
Cherry Cheeks
Pineapple Prostitutes
Coconut Crapsticks
Banana Bitchslaps

   

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