5-15-13 news

Written by Jeff Wednesday, 15 May 2013 04:09

Angelina Jolie underwent a double mastectomy
For me, this was worse news than any celebrity death in the past five years. Those breasts of hers brought enjoyment to millions of people over the years. They were lively, they were bountiful, they were huge, they were perfect. I feel like climbing up onto my rooftop and shouting, "I want HER tits back!" much like Angelina shouted about her son in "The Changeling." But if there is a silver lining, it's that we will always be able to visit them by watching "Gia" or simply logging in to multiple sites on the internet. I salute you, Angelina, for having the bravery to undergo this operation and no matter what, you'll always be way hotter than Jennifer Aniston.

The mother in "How I Met Your Mother" was revealed on last night's episode
The only way I would care at all about this revelation is if the mother turned out to be Mother Goose. Or Mother Hubbard. Or Mother Love Bone. Or Mother Nature. But I'm sure it was none of these mothers because "How I Met Your Mother" sucks.

New vaccine for cocaine addicts invented
The article stated that the new vaccine gobbles up the cocaine from an addict's system. The name of the drug is reportedly called, "Lohanicillan."

Prince Harry traveled to the Jersey Shore over the weekend
"What?" he said, "Where's the freakshow I was promised went on here? Where's the half ape, half man named Ronnie? Where's the drunken midget with the painted face named Snookie? Where's the man named the Situation who has defied all scientific theory by walking and talking despite possessing no working brain cells?"

J-Lo reportedly buying a $10 million dollar mansion
Love may not cost a thing, but mansions do. It makes me ill that she obtained a chunk of this money from being a judge on a singing competition even though she can't sing an on-key note to save her life. It's ridiculous. It would be like me getting paid to critique doctors as they perform open heart surgeries.

3 man space crew returns to Earth after 5 months
In a press conference, one of the men said, "Yes, it was a long time up there but I assure you nothing gay happened. I know you're not asking about this but in case you're thinking it, there was no gay stuff going on between us up there. 5 months is a long time with nothing to do, sure. But we did not kill time by doing...alright, fine, we did tons of gay stuff, you happy now?"

"Gremlins" greenlit for a remake
Like most remakes, this one is unnecessary. But here's one thing they could improve upon: the casting of the lead character, Billy Peltzer. Who approved that kid anyway? We were expected to believe a teenager with a head of hair that looked like pubes and an extremely feminine speaking voice was going to save the town from monsters? Not likely. Damn, that kid had a higher speaking voice than Gizmo. I thought the filmmakers were going to include a twist ending that revealed Billy was also a Mogwai. But kudos to the casting of Phoebe Cates. She was smoking hot! In fact, she was so beautiful that whenever I got caught jerking off while watching "Gremlins", I merely had to remind the person who walked in on me that I was not whacking it to Stripe coming out of his cocoon or anything, it was due to fine ass Phoebe Cates. And then everyone would immediately understand why I was flogging my gizmo to a PG movie about little creatures.

NY cop gets stuck in a tree while trying to save a cat
But the cop shouldn't feel too bad about this. After all, we've all done much more embarrassing things while trying to get pussy.

McDonald's to add three new quarter pounders to the menu
You can buy them individually or together in a new value meal called, "The Triple Bypass."

5-14-13 news

Written by Jeff Tuesday, 14 May 2013 04:42

Bruins beat Maple Leafs in overtime to win Game 7
Which was a great game to watch whether you like hockey or not. I happen to enjoy watching hockey but for those of you who don't like it as much, I'm going to give you a reason to continue watching Bruins playoff games this season. And the reason is simply this: Bruins coach Claude Julian looks like a confused egg. Long ago, I realized that this guy looks exactly like an egg. However, in the last couple of years, I have added an adjective to my analysis of him. Thus, he is a confused egg. Watch and you'll see. The camera cuts to him at least a dozen times during the game and every time it does, Claude looks like an egg in a state of utter bemusement. He seems to be thinking, "How did I get here? Did I fall out of a chicken's ass or what? Maybe so...or maybe not? Damn it, what came first, the chicken or me?"

Christina Aguilera returning to "The Voice" next year for $17 million dollars
Imagine having a singing voice as great as hers and getting paid more NOT to sing? This shit is getting ridiculous. I bet the goal for the contestants who appear on these singing shows is no longer to cut a record deal and tour. The goal now is to become a host of a singing reality show. Much less of a hassle and the pay is better.

40 patients escape from mental hospital in Kenya
"I know this is going to sound crazy," said one of the hospital's security guards, "But the escape was made due to a gigantic Native American man throwing a sink through a window!"

New York Jets want to trade Mark Sanchez
And I want to dress up like a Black Swan and have a threesome with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis but that's not going to happen either, no matter how bad I want it to. Actually, I think my fantasy has a much better chance of happening than a professional football team willing to trade for Mark Sanchez.

New poll says Justin Bieber is widely disliked by Americans
Let's face it, Bieber is the reason the Toronto Maple Leafs lost last night. At least, that's the way I see it. The only people who still like him are teenage girls under the age of 16. And as soon as a photo of Bieber backstage with five cocks in his mouth at once leaks on to the internet (which will happen), he'll lose their admiration and he'll have no fans. And I couldn't be happier. Because Bieber goes out of his way to be a complete doucheball and he is to blame for all of society's ills.

Woman booted off flight for belting out Whitney Houston songs and refusing to stop
I know Whitney Houston is gone but as long as her fans continue to get arrested and indulge in bizarre, drug-addled behavior, she will never truly die and her name will forever live on.

Report: Detroit is broke, faces bleak future
I think the first thing this city should do to turn their prospects around is to change their name. Detroit? Sounds like a sexually transmitted disease to me. As in, "See that slut at the end of the bar? Stay away from her, I bet her snatch is completely riddled with Detroit!" In fact, I think VD now stands for "Venereal Detroit." Why not change the name to something everybody likes? For example, how about the city of Tits? I'd go to Tits, Michigan. I'd fucking move there right now if they changed their name to Tits. Everything is better with Tits. Even their sports teams. Because you can't tell me you wouldn't root for a team called the Tits Tigers.

Beyonce may be pregnant again
I could give a shit. Unless....what if Jay-Z wasn't the dad? That might make it more interesting but we're not quite there yet. Oh, I know! How about if Beyonce was pregnant and the baby daddy was someone you'd never, ever expect? Like, what if the dad turned out to be Ted Koppel? Or Crispin Glover? Or Rollie Fingers? Or the kid who played "Data" in "The Goonies"? Beyonce is rich, bitchy and boring. But if a sex tape came out that showed the kid who played Data using all sorts of homemade sex gadgets that sprung from his trenchcoat on Beyonce, that would change everything! And of course, the sex tape would include Chunk in the corner of the bedroom, watching, and doing the truffle shuffle while whacking off. Shit, a sex tape like that would absolutely be "irreplaceable."

5-13-13 news

Written by Jeff Sunday, 12 May 2013 23:05

Plans to export large quantities of U.S. natural gas trigger debate
Leave me out of this debate. Mostly because the only natural gas I know of is farts. Thus, every time I see a headline featuring natural gas, I immediately translate this into a story about farts. It's much better. Check it out: "Plans to export large quantities of U.S. farts trigger debate." Though if that were the case, I doubt there would be much of a debate on our (rear) end.

Michelle Obama urges graduates to learn from others
So now I'm totally puzzled on what they just graduated from. Isn't the whole point of school to learn from others? Isn't that the entire basis of the student-teacher relationship? I'm surprised Michelle didn't break down in the middle of her speech and say, "Alright, truth be told, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. My only skill was having the luck to marry the man who would become President. I just come out and do these speeches so everybody can see my new hairstyle and compliment me on it."

"24" to return to TV for 12 new episodes
I can already picture the preview where Jack Bauer shouts, "Damn it Chloe, we're REALLY running out of time since we only have 12 hours this season!"

Manny Ramirez dresses up as the Incredible Hulk in Taiwan
Actually, he wasn't dressing up. He just turned green from doing so many different types of steroids at the same time.

O.J. Simpson seeks to have conviction overturned
"Come on, man," he said, "Give me a break, this is my only conviction!" I'm not sure this strategy will work but hey, I didn't think it would work the first time either."

Lindsay Lohan threatens to quit rehab if doctors cut off her supply of Adderall
You'd think after appearing in more good rehabs than good movies over the last seven years, Lindsay would understand the concept of rehab but apparently not. Lohan is so damn lucky she lives in this time period. There's no way she'd still be considered a celebrity in the 1950's if the only thing she starred in was mugshot photos and court appearances.

NBC and ABC cancel a shitload of shows
While reading the list of cancellations, the only two thoughts that came to mind were, "What? Never heard of that show" and "What? That show was STILL on the air?" And can we stop calling NBC, ABC and CBS the major networks? Because we all know the only three channels that need to exist for original programming are HBO, Showtime and AMC.

Stevie Wonder is 63 today
I accidentally sent him a pair of reading glasses for a birthday gift. I was gonna call him and apologize but instead, I just called his manager and asked him to not tell Stevie they were reading glasses. Should work fine.

California woman hit cop so she could be sent to jail in order to quit smoking
I'm glad I don't possess this kind of logic. If I did, I would have cut off my dick so I would stop fucking fat chicks long ago.

Katy Perry performs with the Rolling Stones
But the underlying headline here is, "Katy Perry had sex with the Rolling Stones." This theory was proven when she got up on stage and sang, "I kissed a senior citizen and I liked it!"

Chris Brown's scary curbside art irks L.A. neighbors
Because simply living next to Chris Brown isn't scary enough. Have you ever realized that Chris Brown can best be described as a sequel to O.J. Simpson? I realize we never asked for a sequel to O.J. but unnecessary and unwanted sequels is what Hollywood does best. Let's hope the Chris Brown sequel has a different ending than the original. Though I kind of doubt it.

5-11-13 news

Written by Jeff Saturday, 11 May 2013 04:50

U.S. Postal Service loses over $1 billion in 2nd quarter
The Postmaster General responded to this by saying, "No problem. Check's in the mail!"

Rodman rips Obama
It's best not to get too upset about this. Because it's not like Dennis Rodman is an American, he's not even from this planet. Just call him an asshole from outer space and let North Korea keep him.

Disney fails to trademark "Day of the Dead" holiday
I'm not surprised Disney wasn't given the rights to every dead Latino man and woman who ever lived. I think this was one of those things where Disney wanted to see how much they can get away with. Probably a dare between all the billionaire Disney execs who have nothing else to do besides count their money.

Lion meat tacos spark outrage in Florida, but remain on restaurant's menu
However, you can't wash one down with a cool, tall glass of Tiger's Blood Bloody Mary. Charlie Sheen put a stop to that shit immediately.

Amy Winehouse exhibit to open in London
It's hard to remember her doing much besides getting fucking wasted. I know she had that one huge album but she was so blotto, she couldn't perform on stage for the majority of that tour. I liked some of her music but an entire exhibit? Try to make me go to the Amy Winehouse exhibit and I say no, no, no!

Rod Stewart and his supermodel wife separated briefly, then got back together
Just a brief stoppage for Rod to see if he could upgrade to an even younger supermodel. Guess not. Too old and too much of a face that looks like a border collie.

"Burn Notice" to be canceled after upcoming seventh season
Well, it was a good run but you knew at some point the USA network was going to actually cancel one of their original programs that no one watches.

"The Great Gatsby" opens in theaters this weekend
Looks more like "The Mediocre Gatsby" to me. I do believe I'd rather spend $15 bucks to NOT watch it.

Whole Foods mislabels chicken and vegan salad containers
I'm sure this didn't cause any problems. Because we all know vegans are very understanding when it comes to accidentally eating meat.

New robot invented that is designed to smell your feet and breath to make sure they're up to par
They did design another robot that smells your ass but it died. Even robots have their limitations.