Ask Dr Jeff 9-30-12

Written by Jeff Sunday, 30 September 2012 02:18

Dear Dr. Jeff,

My girlfriend thinks my balls smell exactly like her grandfather's after shave. She is not pleased with this. This is bothering me too because I have no idea how to solve this dilemma. I never put ANY kids of lotions or after shaves on my balls. However, after my girlfriend started complaining about my testicle scent, I tried different soaps, lotions, etc., but to no avail. Now she's even gotten obsessed about it. She'll ask to smell my nutsack at random times just to see if they still smell like her grandpa. It doesn't matter what I've been doing, her prognosis is always the same. It doesn't matter whether I've just come from the gym or from the shower. I can't simply laugh this situation off anymore because my girlfriend refuses to blow me until my balls smell "normal." I miss her blowjobs! Is there anything I can do about this?

-Curtis Lalbrut

Dear Old Spice,

It sounds like your girlfriend has gone nuts. Literally. Unless you're withholding the fact that you've been secretly rubbing your ballbag against this grandfather's neck, I don't think there's any cure to your girlfriend's nasal insanity. It doesn't matter how well you douche up your boys, it's already in her head that they're going to smell a certain way. Perhaps you can convince her grandmother to take a whiff of your genitals. She'd certainly know if they smelled like her husband. My advice would be to break up with her. Maybe after her grandfather dies, she'll resume the relationship with you just because she misses the scent of her grandpa.

Dear Dr. Jeff,

My girlfriend will only have sex with me while watching sick horror movies. It started off as just a once in a while fetish kind of thing. She'd put on a DVD of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" or "The Human Centipede' and watch it while I bang her from behind. It's not my cup of tea but I tolerated it because it was obvious she got off more during this scenario. But now a horror movie has to be on at full volume or she doesn't want to have sex at all. Ever try to maintain a boner while looking at a close-up of Freddy Krueger's face ion a big screen TV? I don't recommend it. Not only am I getting freaked out by this but I'm sure it's only a matter of time before the downstairs neighbors in my apartment building call the cops because they think I'm murdering someone in here (it doesn't help that her sex screams mix in with the volume of the TV making it sound like a real life torturing is happening). Is there a compromise here? I can't keep on with this but admittedly my girlfriend is fantastic in bed so I'm hesitant to break up with her. Your thoughts?

-Tobe Carpenter

Dear Tobe,

Of course your girl is great in bed. Crazy chicks do have that trade-off working in their favor. But this is just going to escalate until you suddenly find yourself a cast member of a surprise snuff film. Have you tried buying a few horror magazines like Fangoria or print photos of Chucky or Michael Myers off the internet and letting your gf look at those during sex? Halloween is approaching. Maybe you could buy a few masks and try wearing them during sessions. If your girlfriend is flexible on incorporating different kinds of "scary" elements into the mix, maybe something can be worked out. But if it has to be a horror movie on at full blast EVERY time, she's eventually going to get so excited she'll end up sticking an ice pick up your ass or locking up your genitals in some kind of "Saw" device.

Dear Dr. Jeff,

I was staying at my long time boyfriend's family's house for a weekend and his dad walked into the bathroom while I was sitting on the toilet. I wish I could tell you I was just peeing but his mom makes very good but very spicy food. I know it didn't smell very fresh in there when he walked in and there was no way I could cover up the odor in a split second. My boyfriend doesn't think this is a big deal but his dad won't stop making jokes about it. Any time I see him, he has to make a reference to this incident. He'll say, "Hey there, diarrhea!" or "Hi Millie! We've got some brand new magazines in the bathroom for you!" or "Smells like my son's brought his girlfriend with him!" I know he's joking but this isn't the sort of thing a lady wants to be associated with. How can I end these jokes without making a big deal about it?

-Millicent Meadows

Dear Millie,

Everybody takes a dump. It's unavoidable. It's also why every bathroom door has a lock on it but we'll look past that in case it was broken or something. If your boyfriend won't stand up for you just take this guy aside and explain to him calmly that these comments he's making are emotionally upsetting you and he's flat out being mean. If you don't say something, this is never going to end. Why? Because shits and the act of taking them never stops being funny to guys. Never! I don't know why but there is nothing funnier than farts and/or dump related humor to the male species. If you end up marrying your boyfriend, his dad will give you a 24 roll package of toilet paper for your wedding present. I know I certainly would do this. Or maybe at your wedding shower, his dad will give you a big basket filled with Pepto Bismal, Immodium, potpourri and a large spray can of Febreze. Picture having to explain that gift to everyone at your bridal shower. So the sooner you end this (Ha ha, "end"), the better, because you're right, a girl definitely doesn't want to be ASSociated with this kind of nastiness (See, now I can't stop doing it either).

If you have a question or problem for Dr. Jeff, please write to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Ask Dr Jeff 7-28-12

Last Updated on Saturday, 28 July 2012 05:34 Written by Jeff Saturday, 28 July 2012 04:14

Dear Dr. Jeff,

My husband will not stop wearing my panties. I don't know if it's my fault or not but a few months ago, I dared him to wear my underpants to work for the day and not only did he do it but now he's wearing them at least 5 days a week. It doesn't matter if they're lacy or pink or thongs or even granny panties. I even caught him doing mirror poses while wearing them. The last straw was when I came home to find him sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette and playing a video game while wearing nothing but a yellow thong. I told him how upset I was but he says they feel sexy and remind him of me all day while he's wearing them. He's even started giving me requests on what kinds of panties I should buy. What is this? I don't think he's gay. We still have a decent sex life and I've never caught him checking out guys when we're out. Is there a solution to this problem? It's weird! Not to mention, I'm running out of underpants frequently because he ruins lots of them by creating holes or shitstains. Tell me what to do!

-Vicki C. Crette

Dear Vicki,

A lot of experts say a man wearing women's panties doesn't mean they're gay. That may be, but it certainly doesn't help. I'd hate to advise you to start locking your undies in a safe but it seems to me, your husband deems wearing your panties more important than your happiness. If it means this much to you, your husband should take this under consideration. By no means is it an unreasonable request. If he is unwilling to compromise by wearing men's silk boxer shorts or something, you need to give him an ultimatum. Because a woman's panties shouldn't be more important than the woman herself.

Dear Dr. Jeff,

My girlfriend likes to grow a big, giant bush then have a professional shave the face of a cartoon cat into the pubes. She's had Garfield's face on her snatch. Heathcliff. Tom from Tom & Jerry. And most recently, Hello Kitty. While I appreciate the craftsmanship of these bush carvings, I don't understand the meaning of it all. Not to mention that it's a dude who does the artwork (she swears it's strictly business). If I'm the only one seeing these pussy caricatures and I'm indifferent to them, who are they for? Am I overreacting?

-James Davis

Dear James,

Yeah, so, obviously I'm going to need to see pictures of this to give you a finite ruling (Just kidding. No, I'm not. Send the pics to the email address at the bottom of this column). To answer one of your questions, if they're not for you, they're for her. She probably likes looking at these pussy faces much like people do when they get a new tattoo. So, she probably checks it out daily in the mirror and gets satisfaction from it. And I'm sure she shows her girlfriends too. Actually, maybe she shows a lot of random people, it's kind of possible that if someone has the Cat in the Hat shaved into their privates, they want audience approval. So ask yourself this, would you date a stripper? Lots of guys would and a stripper does a lot more than sculpt Sylvester the Cat into their hairpie. Maybe you should retaliate and have Odie or Pluto's face shaved into your front nest. Have you even asked her why she does this? If it bothers you this much, I'd say the relationship is pretty much doomed. However, could you ask her to shave the Cheshire Cat's face into her beaver and send me a pic before you break up with her because that would be some shit I'd need to see!

Dear Dr. Jeff,

My new boyfriend and I like to get pretty kinky with our sex games. I was totally cool with a lot of them but the latest one he insists we play every time we're in the bedroom is even too weird for me and I consider myself very experimental. What he likes me to do is, put my hand behind my back while I'm holding some kind of food, make grunting noises, squat down in front of him and pretend I'm actually shitting the food out. For example, last week, I made it look like I shat a brown egg out of my butthole even though it was really in the hand behind my back and after 30 seconds of grunting, I just dropped it in a manner that made it look like it came out of my ass. Admittedly, after I do this, we have incredible sex. For some reason, this gets him stiff as a board and he gets super excited. But it's just so bizarre! Just to name a few items, I've pretended to shit out a cheeseburger, a bologna sandwich, a Caesar salad with croutons, a slice of pepperoni pizza, waffles, boneless buffalo wings and a loaf of pumpernickel bread. He's never asked me to take it to the next level and actually shove these things up my ass in order to make it more realistic and I don't think he ever will. In fact, after one of these staged shittings, I suggested we have anal sex and he replied, "No way! You just shat out a shepherd's pie! That's gross! I'm not going near that thing!" I'm getting bored with pretending to shit solid foods and I don't find it sexy at all. Should I tell him I'm not interested in this game anymore or should I just deal with it in order to get to the amazing sex he gives me afterwards?

-Julie Buffet

Dear Julie,

WTF doesn't even come close to covering my response to this letter. Only an abnormal mind would equate shitting a grocery store out their anus to sexual foreplay. Though since you've been granting this request to him for what sounds like a while, I'd say you're only slightly above him in terms of sanity. I want you to re-read what you wrote to me. Pretend not that you're shitting out crab rangoons or whatever, but that someone else wrote this letter. Does it seem normal in any way? I understand that people go to great lengths to meet their partner's needs and fantasies but there has to be a limit. And besides that, who the fuck is cleaning up your floor after this? A lot of the things you mentioned seemed fairly easy to clean up but as time goes by, this freak is going to have you fake crapping out macaroni and cheese and chicken noodle soup and turkey dinners on Thanksgiving and all sorts of messes. Get out while you can. Nothing about this situation sounds promising. So end things now before you realize that amongst everything else, you've crapped your life away.

If you have a question or problem for Dr. Jeff, please write to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Ask Dr Jeff 6-22-12

Written by Jeff Friday, 22 June 2012 05:40

Dear Dr. Jeff,

My best friend's mom wants to have sex with me. It began with subtle signals that I thought I was misreading but there's really no denying it anymore. Because you can't misread the nude pics she's sending of herself to my cell phone. And they're bizarre pics too. One was of her shaving her significant bush with a Lady Bic in the bathroom while she had an "Oops!" kind of expression on her face. Then she actually sent me some while she was in my best friend's (her son's!) room. In one of the pics, she was totally nude while holding one of my friend's soccer trophies. I'm not sure what this implies. Maybe that she's a winner or that I can score a goal with her? She's not bad looking for an older woman but she's not exactly Demi Moore or anything. I know it's wrong but the weirdness is kind of turning me on. But I really can't see myself doing this to the mom of my best friend. That would be awful if he found out. I know I'll get an honest answer from you so what should I do?

-Simon Grasso

Dear Simon,

Hmmm....I'm going to have to go with a hard "no" on this one. You say this is your best friend. Having sex with the woman who gave birth to him isn't what I'd call best friend behavior. If this was a marginal friend or acquaintance, I'd say by all means, bang her from behind while she's wearing a cooking apron and holding a soccer trophy in each hand. Look, this woman is going to find someone else to bang if it's not you. I'm sure you don't want to be the cause of the disintegration of a family. It's always wise to first picture yourself getting caught whenever contemplating a risky move. Some things you can talk your way out of or at least successfully beg forgiveness and some things you can't. An affair with your best bud's mom falls into the latter category. I'm assuming you're in your late teens or early twenties so you'll have plenty of other weird sexual opportunities to pounce on. Plus, you say this woman is okay looking and that's not good enough. Because a woman has got to be pretty hot in order for you to become a motherfucker.

Dear Dr. Jeff,

I deliver beer for a major company. I drive a truck and mostly deliver kegs and bottles to bars, clubs, hotels, etc.. One of the establishments I deliver to is a gay bar called "The Hung Jury." I'm not homophobic or anything but I feel uncomfortable when I deliver there. It's obvious the fellas in there, especially the employees, are quite taken with me. Maybe specifically because I'm a straight guy. Things took a turn for the worst, however, when they had their walls re-done. You see, caricatures of men were painted on the walls. One was a uniformed fireman. One was a muscular construction worker. And the last one was of a beer delivery guy...and the painting looks exactly like me. He's even delivering the same brand of beer as I do. I can't think this was a coincidence. How did this happen? Is someone secretly taking photos of me? My co-workers have been giving me hell over this. Not that I blame them. If it wasn't me, I admit it would be pretty funny. But it's so awkward that I shutter to even go in there. I tried to change routes but my boss denied it. Is there anything I can do about this?

-Buddy Wiseman

Dear Bud,

This isn't a big deal. You should be flattered. Shit, I haven't been hit on by a gay dude since I was thirteen and I'm pretty sure that makes the guy a pedophile and not gay. Gay men are renowned for their taste and people often ask their approval on classy items. If the gay community thinks you're worthy of a portrait in a place they frequent, it's a high honor. It's not like you're hanging out there. You go in, deliver the beer and leave. You're not in danger or anything. Enjoy the accolades while you can. Before you know it, a twink delivering Mike's Hard Lemonade will take your place on the Gay Wall of Fame.

Dear Dr. Jeff,

My new girlfriend has a weird fetish. I think she wants my cock. And not that way, I think she wants to HAVE my cock as her own. Her favorite sexual act is to sit on my lap, position herself so my boner is sticking up on the surface of her vadge, and then jerk me off so it looks like my dick is hers and she's jerking herself off. Does this mean she's a lesbian? Is it worth a sit down conversation with her? What does it all mean?

-Paul Dingdong

Dear Dingdong,

This may come as a surprise but this is not as uncommon as you think. Penis envy exists among females too. It's not mainstream but it definitely happens. Some woman view the cock the same way men view tits. Which is to say, fascinated. Sometimes even mesmerized. Do you realize how jealous girls are that we can take a piss virtually anywhere we want and easily get away with it? And how about the excellence of writing our names in the snow with urine? I'm telling you, that chicks can't do these things bothers them more than you think. There's no harm in indulging your girlfriend's cock fantasy. I seriously doubt she's scheming to cut your dick off and glue it to her bush. And I don't know what you're complaining about anyway, she may be pretending it's her cock but you're the one who's feeling it when she jerks you off.

Ask Dr Jeff 4-22-12

Last Updated on Sunday, 22 April 2012 05:59 Written by Jeff Sunday, 22 April 2012 04:45

Dear Dr. Jeff,

My wife and I were going through a sexual drought. Once a month was the norm and I was not happy about it as we are still a young couple. I was willing to try anything in order to spice things up, so I asked my wife if there was any fantasy she wanted to explore. Turns out there was. Though it was not at all what I expected. Nevertheless, I indulged this fantasy and now it's mandatory or she won't have sex. I've read some weird stuff on your site but this will be hard to top: my wife dresses, acts and talks like me while we're having sex. She loves it. I do not. She even brought a fake beard to the party last night. Jeff, I didn't get married so I could fuck myself. She's even getting really accurate when she imitates my voice. I feel like I'm banging my twin sister and it must end. Is there a compromise I could offer her? I want sex but not like this. Dude, save my marriage. I'm starting to feel guilty and weirded out that I'm basically getting a hard on for myself.

-Matt Lawton

Dear Matt,

I'm certainly not going to suggest that you counter this by dressing/acting/speaking like your wife. You need to get to the root of your wife's fantasy. Does she want to see you have sex with a man? Unfortunately, that could be the answer. More chicks than you would think get off by watching gay porn. Again, that is not a solution. I doubt there's ever been a reported case of a marriage being saved due to a husband sucking a dick. Perhaps you could ask your wife to just imagine herself looking just like you during sex. These are fantasies after all. You can easily think of Kate Upton or Natalie Portman while you're banging your wife. It doesn't necessitate her wearing wigs and going to acting/modeling classes in order for you to successfully fantasize about them. Either way, you and your wife need to have a talk. Frankly, I'd like to know what the fuck she's thinking. Let me know. Also, if you divorce her, email me her name. Because I don't want there to be a chance of me hooking up with a girl that's secretly pretending to be you while we bang.

Dear Dr. Jeff.

I've got this small, round thing on the inside of my ballbag, near the edge of the skin. Is this cancer? I'm afraid to go to my doctor cuz she's a decent looking chick. I've popped it like a pimple but it grew back again. I'm scared. Tell me what to do.

-Al

Dear Al,

I was going to type, "I don't know, I'm not a doctor," until I remembered I am a doctor. Thus, the name of this column. What you're describing sounds like a cyst. Testicular cancer is a lump on one of the balls inside the skin, not outside. These cysts are quite common and they're harmless. You can have it surgically removed but since it's harmless, do you you really want to have a procedure on your balls if it's not necessary? Of course not. Still, it wouldn't be a bad idea to have a doctor check it out. And don't come to my door expecting me to feel your genitals because I'm not that kind of doctor. Jeez, that was like a real medical question. I feel kind of proud that I could help somebody with a legitimate concern. However, that feeling was short lived due to this next letter...

Dear Dr. Jeff,

My boyfriend has a giant dick but his ass stinks! Usually, I'd dump a guy who is toilet paper-challenged but this dude's cock feels like it was scientifically engineered to fit into my vagina. It's quite the problem. His butthole smells like a taco stand! I'm half expecting Oscar the Grouch to pop out of it. I alluded to it once and he sulked for three days and wouldn't give me any booty. How can I break this to him gently? I need that dick but his ass smells like a homeless guy threw up in it. Help me!

-Dee Umpinhale

Dear Garbage Slut,

I don't care how much he sulks, tell him to shower that anus before sex. Unfuckingbelievable! He should be happy he's getting sex at all if he has an asstunnel that smells like a bowl of shitsoup. Remind him that you're the one doing him the favor. I'm sure he's been dumped numerous times due to his anus smelling like a skunk's wet dream. Push him into the shower and force him to wire brush that trash-hole if that's what it takes. Hygiene is an important thing. Sure, a superior cock is something to strive for but at what cost? I may not have proof but I guarantee, ten, fifteen years of inhaling something that smells like a scented shit candle will kill you. Seriously, you'll die. And no dick is worth dying for. So either scrub his ass with an elephant brush in the shower or squeeze an entire bottle of Dial liquid soap into his brown subway. If you don't, we'll see how much sex you get after this guy dumps you because your nose literally fell off.

If you have a question or problem for Dr. Jeff, please write to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it